Obvi Issues: Dementia Caregiver Self-Care
Coping in the Betwixt Using Both/And Thinking
Self care is so damn hard when you’re flailing. What I know I should do and what I do are two very different things. For example I know for sure that going for a walk makes me feel better. Morning meditation clears my head. Soaking in the bathtub turns me into a limp noodle.
But when I was in the thick of caregiving for my husband, I forgot all of that.
If I had time after he was tucked in watching a shoot ‘em up movie, I had laundry or cleaning the bathroom to do. If it wasn’t physical stuff, it was trying to organize the weeks schedule, pay the bills, or get the mail.
I have talked before about the different kinds of exhaustion and how mental exhaustion seemed to be the most debilitating for me in the betwixt between the mild stage of his Alzheimer’s and headed into the severe stage. Just the sheer number of tasks and responsibilities seemed endless at times, which brought overwhelm, which landed me in shut down.
C. A. Jalonen, my friend and author of Liminal Life: Navigating Transitions with Authenticity, found ourselves on common ground. Both liminal and betwixt are words for in-between. Stages in our lives when we are transitioning from what we were like before, to what our life will be next. Her book is about all kinds of life transitions; graduating from college, changing careers, getting divorced. My life in the midst of my husband’s decline from Alzheimer’s and all the uncertainty that goes along with it was thick with liminality.
One of the things she talks about is embracing both/and language as a means of problem solving difficult times.
Here are some of my own examples about holding two true things that feel at odds with each other can allow you to bargain with yourself to prioritize self-care.
I am so tired I just want to watch mindless television, and I know I would feel better if I went for a walk. I’ll let myself watch TV tonight, but get up early in the morning and take a walk.
I don’t want to go to the caregiver support group because it’s too depressing, and I do need to talk about my own fears and concerns. I’ll commit to going a couple more times and try to engage in the community.
I need a massage to ease the pain in my back, and I don’t want to bother anyone to come sit with Stu. My friend Jenny told me I can call her to come sit with Stu, so I should call and see if she has time next week when I could make an appointment.
I keep forgetting to put my eyedrops in, and the eye doctor chewed me out for putting my sight at risk. He suggested I put a yellow stickie on my bathroom mirror reminding me to put the drops in morning and night so I’ll do that..
I stopped my morning meditation because I have too much to do first thing, and I know it helps me be calmer when I do it. I can set my alarm for a little earlier and make time to meditate every other morning and see how it goes.
I also feel like that third piece where you set out a compromise could easily be my best friend giving me advice in a compassionate voice. And I always give consideration to advice coming from my best friend since I know she has my best interests at heart.
Thanks C.A. Jalonen! Looking forward to hearing more from you on Live Video next week!
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I hear you, Anna! Both things/statements can be true, AND we can also give ourselves the grace that even the small actions are BIG care-for-ourselves things. Like I'm really bad right now doing my exercise (morning appointments etc etc) and I need to get the sheets changed, So these are the weeks I dance around the bed doing sheets, to my change-the-sheets playlist...just trying (when not too tired) to get creative to do the 'AND', and not pile on separate to-dos onto myself.... I need the music encouragement, though!
Self-care is so daunting when you are rowing hard! It is when we need it most, though. 🫂